The stage was sit all the audience was in there seats. Backstage there was no sound it was like everyone was just in the zone of the show. Everyone was waiting for the 1st song in Act 2 to start. I could feel the air passing thought my hair it was like I was outside on the street where Pinocchio house was.
All kids in the show were so taken in by the hype of the show. So the lights went up you could feel the bass from the drums in your skin the lights in the back stage area where blue like the sea. The School Boys was going to start any second all the boys were ready you could feel there characters were coming alive even in the backstage area you could feel the audience was have a good time in the show so that overwhelming feeling was coming as you wait to go on the stage as is was the first time they were going to meet the school boys.
So the time come and it was time to go on stage I could butterflies in my stomach as I want this scene to go so well. So the time came to go on stage the lights were really bright the audience where still amazed at the fairies that were on stage you could still see some of the blue piece of material on the floor of the stage that the fairy’s costumes lifted.
It was time now to the start the scene the teacher came on stage and just like that all the feelings that every single kid that was on stage felt just went away for the next 15mins as it felt like we went in to a never world so then by start of the song which was ‘Freetime’ we all could feel that the audience where loving our scene. So it was time to start to do our dance you could see each and every audience members face just look at you to see what we going to do in this dance.
Murat,
ReplyDeleteThis has lots of potential to be an excellent descriptive piece. I have to agree with Ellie when she said you should proof read the piece, this will allow you to make sure the sentences make sense and both spelling and punctuation are correct. I notice a lot of repetition in your piece, bear this in mind when proof reading.
There are some nice touches and I can see you have thought about trying to describe to the reader how you are feeling. In your sentence
"I could feel the air passing thought my hair it was like I was outside on the street where Pinocchio house was"
As well as there being a couple of spelling and punctuation mistakes here I also feel like you are telling the reader, rather than showing them. In a descriptive piece the idea is to show the reader and paint a picture using words. Only a suggestion but you could try something like;
"Anticipation bubbled inside me like a red hot ball of fire as we waited for the 1st song in act two to start. A crisp gust of air as cold as ice blasted through the auditorium and sent shivers down my spine”
I agree with Ellie again when she suggested using more similes. I think this will really help when trying to paint a picture in the readers mind. There are lots of opportunities in your piece for you to add some more.
“ Backstage was as quiet as a mouse”
I feel that the use of metaphors will also help add texture and excitement to your piece.
Hope my comments will help and I look forward to reading your next draft.
Michelle
hey Ellie
ReplyDeletethank you for comment on my work i do agree with you about proof reading my work. yh this descriptive one has been a bit hard for me but in this 2nd one i found it a lot more easy to do. but i will take on with the next one. with arial i think thats the blog as i did do it in times new roman
Thanx
Murat
hey Michelle thanx for the comments as i said to ellie i will take both your comments on for the next draft
ReplyDeleteThanx
Murat