Roll up Roll up it’s that time of year it’s Christmas so come and join a cast of 200 and take a journey in to the land of Cheeky Fairies, Magical Fish , Puppets that dance and Little puppet called Pinocchio.
The story of the little puppet that all he wants is to be a real boy but Pinocchio trays too much to be a really boy but he does not see that he is upsetting his farther Geppetto by being so Cheeky. Pinocchio is taking on one of the most crazy journeys that a puppet goes to the circus to a place called free time with little cheeky school boys to meet a Fox and Cat which he ends up in the sea and then back in time for tea ‘Wood we lie to you’
This year come and be part of one of the world’s most loved stories. With music and dancing and heart worming moments and all so not for getting the cheeky moments too. So come along be part of this wonderful story.
Murat great first draft of your marketing piece, I really like the first opening text, as a reader it really pulls in your attention especailly with the picture and also makes you want to keep on reading more.
ReplyDeleteThe second section of text i a little confusing about pinocciho story, this maybe to do with the gramma? in the writing that you have set up, what do you think?
The thrid section is inviting for the reader to book. but there is no booking information? telephone number of website?
Also I think you should state where the performance is held within the text.
I think that this was a good effort, and I have recognised that it is your marketing piece of writing; however there are many grammar problems.
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph is ok but think there are a couple of punctuation problems, I think you should insert a comma after the word "year" when describing that its Christmas and also "The" before "Little puppet called Pinocchio. I like the picture as pictures do grab people attention especially as you are advertising something for children as well as adults.
The second section is very confusing and I think you should re-word it and simplify it. I think if you were to read it back yourself you might realise its hard to keep track of because of the grammar and spelling errors. I think if I was writing this section I would write "Little Pinocchio dreams of being a real boy, and for a little puppet he is rather cheeky, although Pinocchio tries very hard to be a good boy he still upsets his father Geppetto. Pinocchio takes you on a wonderful yet slightly unusual journey where he meets some very cheeky school boys, a Fox and a Cat not to mention going to the circus and the sea, but, is he back just in time for tea, find out and see”. What do you think?
The next section I feel there are to many “and” this “and” that. Just add commas. However I do think you have marketed this section well as it’s simple and charming.
Finally the text in the different font is your best marketing section, as it’s the pure information that people will require after you have interested them. I do think that you need to inform us about a website or a telephone number as without it how do you expect people to book tickets? I also agree with Laura about mentioning the Chicken shed in the text as you must include what, where and when at least in the text to be successful. This way people know it’s Pinocchio at the Chicken Shed, with your following dates, prices, information about captioned and audio-described shows and contact information for when they want to book.
There are a few things that need altering in order to improve this piece of work, but it is just a case of re-wording and adding in some punctuation, don’t forget that you have done the hardest part of it already. I look forward to seeing the next draft Murat.
thank you Laura and Abbi i have taken on both your comment's and ideas they are a big help
ReplyDeletethank you
wow that blew my mind it actually drew me closer, but coming to think of it is it real ?
ReplyDeletebut i noticed a few errors, well at least you can bring in you reflective log into this
Murat
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you have already gotten some specific comments about how to improve the piece. Here are a few more reflections… It looks like you are offering a nostalgic ‘alternative’ version of the Pantomime. I wonder who did the adaption and choreography? Who is the piece for, children or adults, or families? The target demographics can be important… but you have kept things brief and alluring, so burdening the writing with too much information might be off putting as your audience is coming for a break over the Xmas period. The piece does need a bit of tidying up.
Paula